Tuesday, February 15, 2011


If you could imagine the worst possible dream, what would it be?  

It would probably be a dream about the worst possible thing that could happen in your life.

Well that's what I dreamed last night.

I dreamed that Dave died.

It was so real...the mourning was so real.  I had to go through a day in life without him before I woke up, and the pain in the dream was so intense I could barely breathe.  I was kicking and punching things, sobbing.  Trying to figure out how to even move through the day, because all I wanted to do was collapse and disappear into nothingness.

I finally reached the point where I was able to stop crying for a moment in my dream and breathe, and then I was praying and thanking God for numbing the pain enough for me to function.  That's when I woke up.

It took a moment for the reality to hit me...that I'd been dreaming and that my hubby was laying next to me, alive and well and breathing.

Then the sobs started all over again, but this time they were real.  I reached over and grabbed him and woke him up.  I continued crying, holding onto him for dear life.

Luckily I've had several similar nightmares of people dying in the past (although never about him), so he knew what to do with me.  Tell me it was just a dream, soothe me, remind me to breathe deeply, try to get me to calm down.  Get me a glass of water.  Hug me to reassure me it was all okay.

I laid there and called out to God in my head, Why would You let me dream that, God??? And then it dawned on me, that He lets people actually experience that as a reality. My nightmare is someone else's life. I just can't even imagine. How do people cope?

And at the same time, it was a reminder to me - that's why we need to depend on Him for everything.  He needs to be our reason for living, our source of hope.  We have to trust Him, that if something as terrible as that does happen in life, there is purpose behind it, and that He will give us the strength and grace to make it through. I remember hearing a speaker once talk about how God gives us grace and strength for each day.  She said if you can't imagine how you would make it through some terrible experience, such as losing a loved one, that's because you aren't currently experiencing the grace needed for it.  God provides day by day.  If your day came where you did go through a terrible experience such as that, God would be there, pouring out the needed grace. And then you would understand how people make it through. When you need it, He will provide it.

The dream also reminded me to appreciate all the moments with my husband, even the ones that seem trivial.  Because regardless of how inconsequential or mundane a moment with him may feel, he's there.  He's alive.  God has blessed me with one more moment with him.  I need to cherish it all.

Thank you, thank you, thank you God, for all the blessings in my life.  And for letting me have my loved ones around me at least one more day.

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