Thursday, January 30, 2014

And...the anxiety is back. :( (And I Had a Black Dog)

After four years of freedom, I have within the last few months found myself once again deeply troubled with the burden of anxiety. I have no idea what's going on, no idea why it started, and no idea how to make it stop. But for some reason, my anxiety disorder is back.

I had hoped that it was a brief, fleeting spell of anxiety when it started back in October, but after several months I'm beginning to realize it's not going away on its own. On good days, I feel light and joyful and like I've got this thing called life under decent control, and on those days I sometimes I think I'm inexplicably cured. Then on bad days I feel like the world is closing in on me, and I freak out over everything, feel like I can barely function or breathe, and break down into sobs over nonsense such as putting too much milk in the macaroni and cheese. (Ask Dave. Yes, this happened recently.)

Unfortunately, the bad days are becoming more common than the good days, and for the sake of me, my husband, and my children, it's time to seek some outside help. So on Monday I'll be starting counseling again. I am praying that I will only need the therapy for a short while this time. I am returning to the same therapist who helped me overcome my troubles last time, so I hope he's able to help me again now.

I share all of this for several reasons.

A) I want this blog to be a place where people can read and know that I'm being real and vulnerable and honest. I want others who are struggling to know that they're not alone and that it's ok to admit you have problems. Through sharing my experiences with postpartum depression and anxiety, I have met and even been able to support others going through the same things. What an awesome way to show God's love and serve Him through something that would otherwise seem 100% negative.

B) Sometimes I just want to vent and share a little, to document my life. My blog is my main way of doing that, despite my infrequent posting since having children.

C) I stumbled upon a video today that spurred me to write this post. The video was more about depression, which I have also experienced in a very extreme form after having my first baby, but it hit on many things that I also feel in the midst of anxiety. I wanted to share it because I think it very aptly described the pain of depression and why life can feel so worthless when you are struggling with such a disorder. The video brought tears to my eyes. Please watch it below. It may help you understand yourself or someone around you a bit better.

If you'd like to read more about my experiences with anxiety and depression, you can read below: