Over the last week, there have been several things that have challenged me emotionally.
You know how sometimes you choose to sweep something under the rug and pretend it's not there, hoping time will fix it, and then it comes out from under the rug and has grown much larger than it was initially? And all of a sudden you're facing this massive, damaging problem that you thought was just itty bitty and inconsequential?
Or how sometimes you say something such as "oh, that won't bother me", trying to be strong and selfless, and then when it happens, it really does bother you and you find yourself thinking "how selfish am I?"
Or how about when you know you're going to be facing an awkward situation...a situation that you yourself agreed to, probably because once again you were trying to be strong and selfless...and as the awkward situation gets closer and closer you can feel your stomach twisting into knots?
Or maybe there's been something digging at you inside for a long, long time, and you finally have the chance to reconcile it, and so you try...and while you're waiting for the other person's response, you're a mess wondering if your attempt to reach out will be accepted?
I've felt very broken inside over the last several days. I have shed many tears. (I am a weepy person anyways.) Yet...I am grateful for it all. Because it has reminded me that I am not enough. If I try to do things on my own, problems grow and anxiety builds. I just cannot...no matter how hard I try...know what to do and say to fix or prevent every problem or awkward situation.
It's been a great reminder that I am not turning to God near enough. I have not been putting my thoughts, actions, and words in His hands. I have not been asking Him to point out my sins. I have not been asking Him for grace and strength for each day. I've been trying to handle it all on my own, and I've been living under the illusion that I was succeeding. Then all of a sudden, something cracked, and I realized once again how truly broken I am. I am not enough, and I cannot do it on my own.
Thank you, God, that I know I am Yours and that You are ready with open arms whenever I come running back to You.
I listened to the song below this morning, and it helped me to express what's burning within me. Maybe it will move something within you, too.
From the Inside Out