Anyone who's been an active reader on my blog for some time knows that I struggled immensely with postpartum depression after our son Krewson was born, and that a return of depression was one of my biggest fears in having another child.
Transitioning from my self-centered life with just me and Dave into a life with a child was hard. HARD. Hardest thing I've ever gone through. I had no idea what was coming, the overhaul on my life and emotions that was going to take place. I struggled so much that I questioned whether I'd ever have another child.
But then time worked its magic. Or maybe I should say God worked His magic. I healed. The depression left me. I adjusted to my new life. And discovered that I loved it immensely despite the sleepless nights, lack of schedule freedom, spit up, messes, and stinky diapers.
Two and a half years later, enter Greyden Roy.
My second little bundle of baby boy joy.
You guys, wow, does God answer prayers.
I haven't had any depression. None. Not an ounce. In Dave's words, I am a polar opposite compared to after Krew was born. I didn't even have the typical baby blues this time. Granted I started depression medication two hours after Grey's birth, but I knew things were different this time long before any medication would have had an effect. My mom said she could see a big difference compared to after Krew's birth even at the hospital. And she was right. With Krewson, I felt numb after his birth. I felt lost, bewildered, overwhelmed at my new life. Even at the hospital. And this time? Totally different. I couldn't take my eyes off of Greyden from the moment he was born. My heart absolutely swelled. I felt that amazing instant love for my newborn, that love I'd read about but had yet to ever experience. I've seriously been happy and excited to have another baby nearly every moment since his birth. Some nights I haven't even been able to fall asleep because I lay there thinking about how incredibly blessed I am.
Isn't God amazing??
I wish so, so badly I had felt this way after Krew's birth. Oh how much more I would have enjoyed his early days. It absolutely KILLS me to think about how I felt after his birth. The mommy guilt that pours through my soul is overwhelming. That little boy is so, so dear to my heart now. I would do anything for him. I could never, ever put into words the love that I feel for him and how amazingly blessed I feel to call him my son. I just wish I hadn't had a horrible, giant wall of postpartum depression clouding my life during his first days, weeks, and months. How different things would have been.
But we can't hold onto the past, can we? I just thank God that He pulled me through and that Krew was young enough to never remember how I acted. All he'll ever know is the momma who smiles and laughs with him daily, who knows and recognizes the incredible joy that is her life.
So for those of you who have been wondering...I am doing amazingly well. Thank you so much to all of you who sent up prayers for me. They worked. God listened and answered. :)