I keep flashing back to the pain. The hole in my heart. The apathy. The lack of appetite. The inability to smile. The lack of bonding and connection - not just with my baby, but with everyone. The lack of desire. The constant wish for it to all be over - even if that meant simply not waking up the next morning.
Postpartum depression. My worst enemy and biggest fear for the upcoming months.
Those of you who know me or have been reading this blog for a while know about my bout with postpartum depression after Krewson was born. I admitted it as soon as I was diagnosed, but it took me a long, long time to be able to write it all down and share my experience with others. When I did finally put my fingers to the keyboard, I bawled my eyes out the entire time. And now I have a hard time going back and reading the post. I usually start crying by the second paragraph. So I don't venture there often.
And now, nearly 2 1/2 years after Krew's birth, I'm about to have another child. Another wonderful, blessed son. I am so, so excited. And yet scared.
I have talked to my main OB about it and received her approval to be put on antidepressants as soon as our son is born. But then another doctor that I saw two months ago seemed reluctant to agree. This makes me nervous. Fortunately I am meeting with my main OB again next week and will be bringing it up again.
In the meantime, I try to pray and not think about it.
Today I read a post over at Beautifully Rooted that shared some thoughts on depression that really touched me. Some of it was new to me but yet made perfect sense, and some of it put into words some thoughts I'd had but could never articulate. I was grateful to read those words - I felt slightly less alone, slightly more understood, and a bit more at peace about whatever may come.
She misses herself. She feels like someone she barely knows anymore. We discover we both are by nature joyful people and maybe that's why depression is so loathsome to us. It steals our joy and makes us feel like frauds.
And it breeds guilt. So much guilt.
Because we should be strong enough to snap out of it, shouldn't we?
We know Scripture. We know Truth. We know we are to take our thoughts captive and obedient to Christ Jesus. We know to speak only the Word of God and not the lies of the enemy. We know to give thanks continually in all circumstances and to be joyful always. Most importantly, we know Jesus Himself.
And I've asked Him many times why we aren't delivered immediately from the suffocating presence of depression, why it's a struggle daily, almost hourly for some of us.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
Thank you so much to Joye for sharing her words in her post. You've touched me more than you know. :)
Read her full post here: Learning from Depression