I’m not exactly sure when it started, but I think it was probably about a month ago. Maybe longer. You’d think I’d recognize it by now, given that I’ve been diagnosed with it several times in the past (and have come out of it each time, thank goodness), but depression can be sneaky and you don’t even see it slowly creeping in.
Yesterday I started crying and I couldn’t stop. Literally, couldn’t stop. I was curled up in bed while Greyden was on the iPad downstairs and Krew was at school, and I saw no end to the tears, so I texted Dave to tell him I was falling apart. Bless that man’s heart, he asked if I needed him to come home, and I said yes.
I think I cried for two or three hours. I cried until he got home. I continued crying after he got home. We talked and I cried. The tears would start to dry up a bit, then I’d try to talk about something else and they would start pouring again. I just couldn’t get all the pain out.
I’m not sure which came first, the overwhelm with life or the depression. It’s a chicken and egg scenario. Either way, I’m filled up with both right now.
Dave and I chatted and agreed that I’m not ok and that I need help. I immediately texted my integrative doc and she scheduled me an appointment for this afternoon. If she can’t get the depression to lift quickly through her herbs and supplements, I’ll call a conventional doctor to get an antidepressant prescription. I know my integrative doc will support me in that decision, because she’s pretty awesome and reasonable like that. I’ve used antidepressant meds in the past, and I know they work, and despite how crunchy I may now be, I am 100% willing to be on them again if it will take this horrible feeling in my chest away.
Speaking of horrible feeling in my chest. I feel like I should share the symptoms I’m experiencing so that anyone else who is feeling this way can recognize it and know that there is hope and help. It will have to come in a future blog post, but I will make sure it is soon while all this is fresh and clear in my mind. But for now, just let me say: “You guys, THERE IS HOPE AND HELP AND I KNOW IT AND WANT YOU TO KNOW IT TOO.” I know because I’ve been here before and I’ve come through. (One of my experiences was postpartum depression, which you can read about here: http://www.just1step.com/2011/05/postpartum-depression-my-take.html.)
I also want to ask for extra grace for a while. I’m having a very hard time being a kind, reasonable human being right now. I’m trying, goodness I’m trying, but everything in me wants to say “Screw you, world” and go curl up under my covers. If you’ve seen that side of me, I’m sorry. I’m trying very hard to fight it. Hopefully it will be under better control soon.
I’m thankful I have the type of people in my life where I can share this and know I’ll receive love and understanding. Thanks guys.