Sunday, April 22, 2018

I am screaming on the inside.

I haven’t blogged about myself or my inner thoughts in two years now. I just checked. My last blog post that wasn’t about either of my two children was on April 26, 2016.

Blogging used to be a regular outlet for me, a way for me to process the things I was thinking and feeling while also sharing with others, so that maybe they too could learn something from it. Honestly, many times I shared because I wanted to be heard and acknowledged and understood.

Life got crazy. We’ve had a downpour of health issues over the last three and a half years that have changed our lives quite a bit. In the beginning of it all, I kept blogging. But at some point, I decided that I couldn’t give blogging the time and energy I wanted to anymore, and I dutifully quit posting about myself because I thought it was what I was obligated to do. I believed that I needed to spend that time and energy on other things like caring for my family and working to help pay for our medical bills.

But gosh, lately I’ve felt like I’m going to explode. You guys, I need an outlet. I’m freaking out. I’m screaming on the inside. I have two years of experiences and growing that haven’t been shared anywhere other than in my occasional Facebook posts and in conversations with my closest family and friends. I have so many thoughts and confusions and angers and frustrations, but also joys and hopes and realizations. I’ve found myself intensely craving someone (ok, actually lots of anyones) to dump everything on. I have, no joke, been doing self-therapy sessions in the shower lately. I pretend that I’m sitting in a therapist’s office and imagine the questions he or she might ask me, and then I pour out my heart to the shower wall while I wash my hair. I have been pondering lately if maybe I do need to go back to therapy, but through these shower sessions I’m realizing that it’s not that I necessarily need a professional to help me figure myself out. I just want to talk and process and feel like it’s ok that I’m doing it and that I'm not putting too much of a burden on any one person. Yes, I have a wonderful husband and close friends and family to talk to. And they are so loving and supportive. But I still feel like exploding. I want to share more. And blogging does that for me. There’s something about writing (or typing) and knowing it will (maybe) be read by others that is incredibly therapeutic. So for now I think I’ll try blogging, since it’s slightly cheaper than therapy. But I will absolutely keep therapy in my back pocket in case I need it.

And by the way, I don’t always love that part of myself, the part of me that wants to dump out everything I’m thinking and feeling and then have it be acknowledged. I expressed this to a close friend recently, telling her that it frustrated me that I felt like I needed people to hear me and understand me. That it seemed selfish. But then she covered me in immense love and acceptance when she replied that God had made me that way, and that I wasn’t being selfish, it was just the way that my love tank filled. (Can I just say that she’s an amazing friend?)

So here I am. I’ve gotta get some of this stuff out of me. Life just keeps knocking me down, and I want to yell, “Is anyone else experiencing this?!?!”. And I’m learning that that’s pretty normal to have these hard things happen, but I still just really really need to share it. Sometimes there's an explosion in my own life, sometimes it’s an explosion in a friend’s life and I still stumble from the strength of the blast even at a distance. Because I care. Gosh I care. I want my life to count, I want people around me to feel loved and cared for and to know that they matter. And when things go wrong, I get so angry that this is the world we live in and that I have to watch people around me hurting and honestly even that I have to go through hurt myself. My thoughts spin and I wonder sometimes, what is the point of this all? God, why is the world this way? Why did You put us here to do this thing called life?

And I know what the generic Christian response to that question is: “To bring Him glory, to become more like Him.” Yes, I get that. But really, what does that mean when a loved one dies or you get a devastating diagnosis? What does that mean when work feels mundane or when there isn’t enough money in the bank to pay the bills? What does that mean when your child is struggling hard with something in his life and you're crying hard on the inside but still have to be so strong as the parent?

But now I’ve started rambling into what should probably be future blog posts.

So there you have it friends. My reintro, back into blogging. I already feel calmer, just from this one post. I hope to be back with more thoughts soon. Heaven knows I need it.

2 comments:

  1. Yay, friend, I’m glad you’re back, though I’m sorry you’ve had so much to deal with over the last couple years. I’m looking forward to reading more posts from you!

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